The Learning Tower of Evil

I used to think that all of the bad toys of young Boomers had been eradicated by consumer protection laws and common sense. I used to think that only those 40 and over had horror stories about metal-tipped lawn jarts, jagged-glass made dolls, and toys guns that performed like real guns.

Then my wife bought one of these:

http://www.mylearningtower.com/

My wife is a sucker for anything that contains the words “family bonding.” And to be fair to her, the makers of this gizmo are pretty convincing in their persuasion that if one were to get this Learning Tower device that it would increase the odds of his/her family staying together, working together, and loving one another better. And, to boot, some cool learning would ensue as well.

So. My wife ordered one. Put it together. Within 8 hours of the first time my toddler son bonded with this device, he learned from the Learning Tower to do the following (not necessarily in order):

–Turn the burner knobs on the stove.
–Cover the kitchen floor in water and ice from the frig water and ice machine.
–Unsheath sharp knives from their counter holders
–Call long distance on the telephone
–Push breakable bowls and glasses off the kitchen counter.
–Crank the volume on the CD player
–Put “stuff” in the coffee grinder
–Turn on the garbage disposal
–Beat the hell out of the fish tank and attempt to jab our goldfish with wooden spoons.

Well, you get the idea. You may ask “where were you, Bill, or your wife when all this was going on?” A fair question. We were right there. In the room. Watching. Closely.

The Learning Tower is made from some light, space-age type of wood that allows it to be pushed across ceramic floors at the speed of light. My son got so adept at transporting this device throughout the kitchen in record time that we as parents could only get “Brendan no–” out of our mouths before he had pushed the device across the kitchen floor, grabbed a carving knife off the counter, and played operation on the cat. And the dog.

To be fair to the manufacturers of The Learning Tower, they probably have a disclaimer somewhere that this device is designed for normal, docile, children and not children genetically engineered to circumvent safety features and official-use tenets of toys.

None of which apply to my kids. Of course.

But I’ve got a sneaky hunch I’m not alone in that.